For the last few months, I’ve felt this quiet voice in the back of my mind… “you were meant for something more,” it whispered. I went about my days – alarm between 5:30 and 6:00am, on the road at 7:15, clock in by 8:00. One hour (mandatory!) for lunch. Sleepy in the afternoon. Bored by 3:00pm. “Is this what you want forever?” I heard it, and I pushed it away. Of course this is what I want! Didn’t I work so hard to get here? - that was my retort for so long. Stable job, regular paycheck, reasonable benefits. Health insurance. So much to be grateful for. Clock out at 4:30, head home. An hour in traffic. Yes, 21.7 miles takes an hour. Home at 5:30. Exhausted. Couch, couch, couch. Attempt dinner. Dozing off by 8:00 – trudge to the bedroom at 9:30. Start all over again. Always waiting for the weekend, always counting down to vacation. Yearning for the next creative project, hoping for change. One day, I’ll get to do something I really love. We tell ourselves these comforting lies, that the future holds majestic and awesome rewards for all our hard work in the gutter of our twenties. That if we keep our heads down, and keep to the grind, we will one day exchange the mundane for the extraordinary. Maybe this happens, for some. But maybe, in this process of tending the grindstone, we lose a bit of our spirit, our spark. Maybe we make it out alive, but maybe just barely. These are the thoughts that have consumed me for the last few months. When?
This was my mistake: I’ve felt that I would be happy when I could quit my day job, and be my own boss. When I could freelance my creative little heart out. When I was designing weddings and photoshoots, styling personal wardrobes, making pretty things. I would be happy when. In my mind, it was all or nothing. Leave “real” job, become an artist. I never really stopped to consider the alternative.
About a month ago, an opportunity presented itself. Unexpected, out-of-nowhere, to do something very different than what I’m doing now (in case you were wondering, I’m a marketing coordinator at a mid-sized law firm in Downtown Dallas – in a very structured, rigid work environment). I jumped. It was a thrilling possibility – I finally opened up my heart to the idea that maybe things could be different.
Maybe I could have both – a stable job in a creative, fun environment and my wedding business, with a side of personal blog. Suddenly, it was all I could think about. Both… what a novel idea.
After several weeks of interviews and emails, I was offered the job. Eric and I took several days to think about it – several days to examine the possibilities, weight the pros and cons, and pray over the possibility that this could be the both I didn’t even know I was dreaming of.
So, the announcement: in a week and a half, I start a new job – with a local, small business that I’ve actively followed online for the last few years. I am utterly terrified of this change, and yet, completely grateful for it.
This song has been constantly on my mind lately (I prefer the Smash cast/Megan Hilty version):
Here’s to you free souls, you firefly chasers
Tree climbers, porch swingers, air guitar players
Here’s to you fearless dancers, shaking walls in your bedrooms
There’s a lot of wonder left inside of me and you
Thank God even crazy dreams come true
And I am – crazy thankful that this dream is coming true. Thankful for the chance for a change, coming at the perfect opportunity. Because if not now, when? I’m also hoping for some crazy beautiful personal changes in the months to come – a new blog design, more time to create style & design posts, more time for WEDDING DESIGN (!) and exploring a new industry with this job.
I also want to say – thank you to those of your who have stuck around with me throughout this blogging adventure. I love it so much, and I can’t wait to give it more attention. I also started a Facebook page for my personal projects, which you find here.
(All images sources can be found on my Pinterest board)